Eurovision: British Contestant Jade Ewen

Jade Ewen: really rather gorgeous

Agent Triple P loves the Eurovision Song Contest with all its scantily clad Eastern European girlie singers, terrible music and rabid regional nationalism. Great Britain has wisely refused to take it seriously for years and this seems to be the BBCs take on why we haven't won (or even got into the top ten) for years. They argue that by employing Lord Lloyd-Webber to write the UK entry we will prove our seriousness to the people of Europe and they will vote on the quality of the song not on regional bias.

Hmm. There are several problems with this theory. The first being that we don't believe Lord Lloyd-Webber could write a catchy Eurovison tune if he tried. To our ears most of his music is rather dreary and derivative. Occasionally he pulls out a big theatrical ballad but whether that style will work in Eurovision is doubtful. Agent Triple P would have gone with Xenomania producing something for Girls Aloud. That might have had a chance. Secondly, nearly everyone in Europe hates us. For the Iraq war. For the Cold War. For the Cod War. For beating them in numerous other wars in history. This year's Eurovision song contest is in Moscow. Does the BBC really thing that all those ex-Soviet states are going to vote for anyone than their big, friendly ex-comrade down the road?

In typical BBC fashion they held a competion to choose the UK artist for whom his Lordship would write the song. We watched as they filmed all the rehearsals and got down to a final few. Then, suspiciously, a last minute entry called Jade Ewen popped up having not featured in any of the rounds at all. She is not exactly an unkown either, as she has had no less than two record contracts in the past and is a TV actress.

Oh well, perhaps it is right that we undertake a bit of skullduggery to get a good entrant or we will end up with something like last year's singing dustman (nul points again). Despite obviously being the class of the final six Jade ended up in the sing off last week. Surely the BBC wouldn't have put her in this position deliberately so the panic stricken public would make sure that they voted for her in the final? Frankly, until the TV companies get these TV voting shows scrutinised by proper auditors (like the National Lottery does) we aren't going to believe any of these results.

Neverthess, Jade is a not bad singer and certainly is a quite spectacular looking young lady. His Lordship seems particularly taken with her. Perhaps he can see her adorning his collection with some of his other splendid nudes.

So we look forward to Moscow on May 16th with interest. The dopey Europeans actually seem to admire his Lordship so maybe he, rather than Jade, will attract the votes, especially as he has said he will accompany her on the piano (in his dreams). There is only one slight problem. Jade is what the Americans would call a "woman of colour". This is not popular in much of Europe where there are many countries, we are afraid, who still demonstrate levels of racism that would enbarrass Alf Garnett. Not mentioning any names (large arid country famous for also not respecting bulls and donkeys).

Good luck then, Jade. Wear a very short skirt because you can carry that off and it may pull in a few more votes from the Baltics and they certainly need cheering up at the moment given the way their economies have tanked!